New York 6 weeks

1. What should I do with my career?

I wasn’t enjoying my time entirely. The culture at my firm is quite slow and “sleepy”. Due to the company being bought out by a large firm during the financial crisis, it lacks resources to grow. The large firm was not giving our division enough support to pursue growth and treated us like a cash cow. The gap between upper management and ground level assistants and analysts are huge. There is no mid-level managers to bridge the gap. If I do end up working there, it would be a good step towards working on the buy-side, but definitely not the place I can learn fast and move quickly. It’s too comfortable. And I see that I am not motivated to go to work. (When was I ever motivated to go to work? Maybe I am a lazy person at the core.) Another observation about portfolio management for high networth individuals is those people still prefer grey hair white male portfolio managers. Someone like me would be very difficult to get clients’ credibility. Unless I start an emerging market or Asia-opportunity strategy, I can’t really contribute significantly to anything. And I have limited number of people to learn from.

I know for a fact I do not want to do investment banking. The summer experience of my other classmates confirmed my perception of the investment banking job. I know it would be difficult for me to handle consulting. Consulting is essentially a way to avoid specialization until a few years later, not something I need at this moment. Corporate finance or internal M&A could be good, but most of those jobs are in small/medium size cities or do not sponsor visa for international students. I can’t believe after all the time I put in for career transition in first year, I am sitting at the same spot I was – I am stuck.

2. What should I do with my life?

Once I start to be clueless about my career, my life becomes unstable. Once again, I am not 100% sure about where I will be after graduation. And now I cannot commit 100% on many things. I was searching for different funds, but I know most of them won’t provide sponsorship to foreigners. Am I content with staying on TN? TN cannot transfer into a greencard. Would that mean I eventually have to move back to Canada?

Sometime I don’t want to admit I am one stupid woman who have took too many random steps and now got nowhere to go. In reality, that’s what I am. I secretly hope I can just not care about that and live a normal life in a boring place, pop kids and stay home. Then the thought of staying home and not be useful for society kicks in, and I kill this option.

3. Should love without hope be called love at all?

Someone’s experience prompt me to think about love. Sometimes we think we are capable of loving without hoping. For example, love someone for a very short period of time and know there is an end date. People with the mental strength or weakness to do that are lucky, because I do not have it. I am a standard Taurus and constantly look for long term potential. Can’t help it. It’s fundamentally who I am.

I am so fearful of losing people in my life, so sad when people I used to be close to are not there anymore. I genuinely care for others and like to bond with friends. Destroying that bond can drive me crazy.

Sign, no point to feel sad for myself or others. Fate got it all figured out. We just need to make an effort and hope for the best. I hope fate has something good for me.

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