Defining me

I used to care a lot about what other people think of me, especially when I was young. I am very glad to find out that this is no longer the case. I am the one who defines myself.

When I was in middle school, we used to have this ridiculous voting, through which the class would vote for candidates who competed for student leadership positions. The teacher would call out a candidate’s name. Then the whole class gave a show of hands how they liked this person. The most cruel part was you got to see who voted for you and who did not. And you even got to count your votes if you wanted.

One thing that truly killed me was comparison. Since success was so narrowly defined, it was very easy for students to compare with each other – grades, looks, body shapes, speed of reading, sports ability, singing skills etc. In a closed gate boarding school, everything could be used for comparison, and every comparison was a knife. I hated losing and I loathe being laughed at, the only way I could keep living was to dominate, in as many spectrums as possible. This actually alienated me against some of my classmates. What made it worse was the boy I used to like claimed he liked my best friend, who I regarded as one of the kindest and prettiest girl in school ( on earth actually). The feeling of deficiency haunted me for quite a long time. I often got upset because there was fundamental insecurity in my unconscious mind, no matter how it looked on the surface.

What I discovered through subsequent experience, and my moves around the world in the last 9 years, was that I should not let others be the judges. The only person who should be able to define who I am and how I am doing is myself. Although it was easier to say, it was still difficult in practice. What’s important is that I now have the power to fight this tendency of comparison through my conscious mind. In fact, human beings are not comparable. Everyone has his or her distinct path, to say A is better or worse than B in absolute sense is almost denying the fact that people are fundamentally different. What’s better is I am a lot secure than I was before. Years of exercise have boosted my confidence, and made me realized there will always be a path for me. Careers I pursue, people I encounter, books I read, shows I attend, all have integrated into my life. All the potential careers I missed, friends I could no longer see, books on the shelf or saved on my hard drive, showroom doors that closed on me (because I was late…) have taught me what I needed to know, and guided me towards the right path.

I am very glad to see that I’ve grown up. And I kept being a lucky person. (Not with recruitment lately, but I believe fate is trying to guide me towards the right career path.) Whatever storm that is about to hit, I am not afraid. Just now I have made up my mind on something. It’s time to grow again.

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